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As Bad As She Gets/Transcript
(Interior, Reynolds House, kitchen.) Sydney: Sorry I'm late Olive. But I got my dad the greatest present any girl's ever gotten a dad in the history of human kind. Olive: You got him a-- Sydney: It's not a llama. Olive: You're right. I'm thinking about me. But this is your dad we're talking about. And you always get him the perfect present. So, what'd you get him this year? Sydney: Fishing pants. Olive: Well they can't all be winners. Sydney: No, he loves fishing and he's been eyeing them for weeks. Trust me, it's perfect. Olive: Should have gone llama. Sydney: Dad, you bought those? Max: I know, it's a splurge, but I figure my birthday's coming up, so why not treat myself? So, what do you think? Huh? Judy: New look? Nothing says "I'm single" like rubber pants. Max: Well, joke's on you. The lady at the fishing store slipped me her number. Judy: It's just a receipt. Max: Okay. Judy: Wait, aren't those the fishing pants you were getting him? Sydney: Yeah. Now what am I gonna do? Judy: Birthdays were a lot easier when your dad was a kid. All he wanted was to do something with Leo. Rock climbing with Leo, paintballing with Leo, emergency room with Leo. Olive: Who's Leo? Sydney: He was my dad's best friend when they were kids. I haven't seem him since I was little. Are they still friends? Judy: Sure. They talk now and then. It's just, Leo's in San Francisco, running his tech company, and your father's here, running around in rubber pants. Olive: Wait, is that the Leo who invented the app that you get up and dance when you're sitting too long? Judy: Yep! Break, Dance, Break. It helped me get my groove back. I didn't even know I'd lost it. Sydney: I got it. I know what I'm getting Dad. I'm getting him a Leo. Judy: You're gonna surprise your dad with his best friend? That's great! He can stay here for the weekend. Sydney: But what am I gonna do with these? Olive: Maybe I can give them to my dad for his birthday. Sydney: Does he fish? Olive: No. He's just a really sloppy eater. :THEME Max: This is a birthday surprise, right? Sydney: Okay, Dad, you can open your eyes now. Max: You got me a giant picture of Leo? I love it! Sydney: That's not the surprise. This is. :(funk music playing) Max: Leo! :(laughing) Max: That was quite an entrance. Adult Leo: What do you mean? I always enter a room that way. I'm not the only surprise. Everybody give it up for Leo Jr.! Leo Jr: Hi, everybody. Sorry Dad, that's all I got. Max: LJ, you are so grown up! Look at you. Adult Leo: Take a look around, son. I practically grew up in this house. Ms. Reynolds is like a second mother to me. Judy: And you were like a second son. Only tidier, more responsible, more polite... Happy birthday, Max. Max: I don't know what to say, Syd. I can't imagine a better birthday present. Sydney: Thanks, Dad. Max: And not only do me and Leo get to spend the weekend together, but you and LJ do too! Leo Jr: Is this as awkward as I think it is? Sydney: Is that code for "let's get out of here"? Leo Jr: Yes. Sydney: Let's go. :(cell phone dings) Leo (on message): You heard the ding, now move your thing. Adult Leo: Hey, that's my app. You know what that means. :(dance music playing) :to 1992 :(doorbell rings) Young Max: Coming! Leo: Hi, Max. Young Max: Hey, Leo. What's going on? Leo: Oh, nothing. Just the end of the world. My parents are sending me to private school. Young Max: What? The Laramie Academy? Wait, you're going to smart people school? Leo: All I've got left is the interview. And look at me, Max. I'm charming. Smart. Would you turn this down? Young Max: But we've been in the same class since Kindergarten. Leo: Do you think I know that? But my parents won't listen. They say they want to give all the advantages they didn't have. Young Max: It's always about them, isn't it? Look, just because we're at different schools, doesn't mean we still can't be best friends. Leo: Oh, Max. Poor, sweet, innocent Max. That never works. Young Max: But we'll see each other after school every day. Leo: Until I have fencing practice and you get detention for missing detention. Before we know it, we're hanging with different crowds. Young Max: You with the smart kids and me with the really, really cool ones. Leo, I'm not gonna let them tear us apart. Leo: Me neither. So, what's the plan. Young Max: Why are you asking me? You're the one going to smart people school. :back to present-day Sydney: Okay, snacks. Snacks, snacks, snacks. Turkey sandwich? Leo Jr: Too boring. String cheese? Sydney: I'm liking the cheese, not feeling the string. Leo Jr: Hey, is that lasagna? Sydney: Now you're speaking my "laz-anguage". :(laughing) Max: Man, when I dropped into that half-pipe, it's like we were kids again. Adult Leo: Yep. You skating, me getting it all on video. Can you believe they still had a Wolf Guy skating at the park? Max: Dog Boy. Dog Boy! Adult Leo: Sorry, man. Still think Wolf Guy has more pizazz. Max: Well, at least he thought I had some moves. When I did that dolphin flip, he gave me a "Whoa, dude". :(laughing) Adult Leo: Why don't we see each other more often? Max: I guess life got in the way, but it's all good. Adult Leo: Yeah, it's all good. You know, watching you fall on your butt all morning has made me hungry. Max: I hid a half a lasagna in the back of the fridge. Adult Leo: That sounds amazing. Max: Aw, man. You can't hide anything in this house. There's some chimichangas in there. Sydney: Yeah, we got to those last night. Adult Leo: We used to raid your mom's fridge when we were that age too. Max: That was different. No, it wasn't. :(both laughing) Adult Leo: Listen, while I've got you here, I've got some news. Y'all ready for this? We're moving to Portland. Max: What? Leo Jr: What? Adult Leo: I always thought maybe I'd move back. Open an office here, and now seeing you two get along so well... Bam! We're doing it. Max: This is fantastic! Now all four of us can be together. I say we celebrate with cupcakes. Adult Leo: Yeah! Max: Seriously? Reynolds Rides Leo Jr: I don't wanna move. I love San Francisco. All my friends are there. Sydney: Maybe it won't be so bad. Portland has cool music, great donuts, and an annual naked bike race. Actually, you'll want to miss that. Leo Jr: Sydney, imagine how you'd feel if you had to leave everything you cared about and move to San Francisco. Olive: Syd, you can never move. But if you go, you'd have to take me. I have a suitcase. I can fit into. I'm very portable. Sydney: I'm not going anywhere, Olive. And you don't have to either, LJ, just tell your dad how you feel. Max: I'm telling you, man. I still got it. Throw a word at me. I'll poem it. Adult Leo: Okay... Training wheels. Max: Training wheels, prevents scabs that peel. Adult Leo: Peel, peel, peel. :(laughter) Leo Jr: Yeah, no way I can tell him. I haven't seen him this happy in years. Sydney: You don't have to. I'll tell my dad and he'll convince your dad not to move. Max: I'm the king of the store! Sydney: Welcome to Portland. Sydney: Olive, I feel terrible. If I hadn't brought Leo here, LJ wouldn't have to move. Olive: That's not your fault. Sydney: Yes, it is. Part of the reason Leo wants to move here is because LJ and I get along so well. Olive: Yeah. Too bad you do. Because if you didn't, he probably wouldn't want to move here. Sydney: Wait. That could work. Olive: What could work? Are you hatching an idea? Sydney: Oh, I'm hatching. Olive: I wanna hatch it with you. Let me in the nest. Two butts are warmer than one. Sydney: What if LJ's dad thought we were bad influences on each other? That whenever we got together, we turn into a couple of troublemakers. Olive: I can help you. My brothers are total troublemakers, and I've documented it all. How much trouble do you want to get in? One being, "Go to your room". And ten being, "I think military school will ready turn you around". :to 1992 Young Max: Wassup, dude? Leo: My private school interview is tomorrow and my parents want me to practice these questions. Young Max: Bet you can't stump me. Ask me one. Leo: What three adjectives best describe yourself? Young Max: Easy. Which ones are the adjectives again? Give me another. Leo: Who helped you get where you are today? Young Max: My mom drove me. You know that. Leo: Max, if I answered these questions like you do, I'd never get into that school. Wait a second. If I answered these questions like you do, I'd never get into that school! Young Max: I don't get it. Leo: Exactly! :back to present-day Sydney: Okay, we made the spaghetti, we made the sauce, and now let's make sure you don't move here. Are you ready to get into trouble? Leo Jr: Yes. Sydney: I can't hear you. Leo Jr: (yelling) Yes! Sydney: You don't need to yell LJ, I'm right next to you. Leo Jr: Oh, sorry. Sydney: I'm just messing with you. And speaking of a mess, let's make one. Leo Jr: All right, he goes nothing. Sydney: You're right. That was nothing. Leo Jr: We can do that? Sydney: I don't know. Can we? Leo Jr: I guess we can. Sydney: Hey! Oh. Leo Jr: Whoa. What a rush! Max: Whoa. What is going on in here? Adult Leo: Yeah, what is this? Sydney: We thought we'd cook your dinner. Leo Jr: It's not done yet. Max: You know what, young lady? I think you are totally done. But I'm just getting started. :(both laughing) Max: I remember when we used to do this, Leo. Adult Leo: Which time? Sydney: You mean, we're not in trouble? Max: No. We'll clean it up. Go, have fun! Judy: Max, did you make all this mess? Max: Nah, Syd and LJ did. Judy: Oh, sure. Blame it on the kids. Max, go to your room. Leo, go home. Wait. What year is this? :to 1992 Ms. Watkins: Hello. You must be Leo Webb. I'm Ms. Watkins Leo: Wassup? Ms. Watkins: So, Leo, what made you interested in the Laramie Academy? Leo: The parking lot. Ms. Watkins: Excuse me? Leo: Yeah, it's perfect for busting some tricks. See, I skateboard. I'm a boarder, dude. Ms. Watkins: Oh. And what would you like to be when you grow up? Leo: I don't know. An adult? Ms. Watkins: Okay, moving on. Ah, here's on you might get. What character from a book would you most like to meet? Leo: (chuckles) Ah. I see what you're doing. Trick question. That assumes I read books. Ms. Watkins: Okay, Leo. It was a pleasure meeting you. Leo: We done? Sweet. Ms. Watkins: Just give me a second. I want to make some notes on my computer. Darn. "Error 404". What does that even mean? Leo: Oh, that's just a transfer protocol response code in the network communications. If you reboot in safe mode, you-- (gasps) Ms. Watkins: The computer's fine, Mr. Webb. Now, let's try this interview from the top, shall we? Leo: Gah! :back to present-day Sydney: I don't get it. How could we mess up messing up the kitchen? Leo Jr: Let's face it, when our dads look at us, they just see two nice kids. Sydney: It makes me sick. We'll just have to step up our trouble-making. Olive, what's the worst thing your brothers ever did? Olive: August 23rd, 2015. My brother Owen was about to get his driver's license when he and his friend Badger took my parent's car for a joyride. Sydney/Leo Jr: Whoa. Olive: Yeah, whoa. My parents were so mad, he never got see Badger again. Last I heard, he changed his name back to Theodore. Leo Jr: They were separated? That's what we need. Too bad we can't drive. Sydney: We don't need to. Look around. We can go out for our own joyride. My dad's number one rule is to never take out a new bike. Here's the plan: LJ and I are gonna grab a couple of bikes and sneak out. And make sure you're seen on the security cameras. Then we'll ride around until the store closes and bring them home. Leo Jr: Our dads will flip out. Sydney: Maybe then they won't think we're so nice. Now, let's go swipe some bikes. But first we should finish our vegetables. Max: Sydney, where have you been? Sydney: Oh, you know, around. What's it to you? Leo Jr: Yes. What is it to you? Adult Leo: What is it? It's two new bikes you took from Max's store. Max: We saw it on the security video, Syd. Sydney: Oh no, LJ. We forgot about the security video. Leo Jr: Curse you, modern technology. Max: I'm sorry, Leo. Sydney's never done anything like this before. I don't where this is coming from. Adult Leo: Well, certainly not from LJ. Max: Well, it didn't come from Sydney. I raised her better than that. Adult Leo: Better than what? How I raised LJ? Max: Who really knows? We haven't seen each other in years. Adult Leo: Oh, and who's fault is that? Sydney: Guys, guys, I think you're missing the point. We need to be separated. Ideally between Portland and San Francisco. Max: You know, I have always tried harder in this friendship than you have. Adult Leo: Please, bro. I'm the one that always has to make the effort. Max: Oh, really? Then why weren't you there for the opening of my bike store? Leo Jr: Speaking of bikes, just a reminder, we stole two of them. Adult Leo: Oh, so you're upset about that? What happened to, "Life gets in the way"? Max: Well, it shouldn't get in the way that much. Adult Leo: You know I was in Tokyo on business. You told me not to come. Max: That's just the polite thing people say. A real friend would know that. Adult Leo: Well, a real friend would have come to the lunch party for my app. Max: Oh, so you're upset about that? Adult Leo: I rented a houseboat, man. Max: You know I get seasick. Adult Leo: It was on a lake! It never left the dock. Max: Face it, one of us always cared more about this friendship and it wasn't you. Adult Leo: I don't know what I was thinking, considering moving here. Leo Jr: But Dad, we only took the bikes so you guys would get mad at us. And we wouldn't have to move here. Adult Leo: Well, you don't have to worry about that now. Pack up. We're leaving first thing in the morning. Sydney: Dad, what are you doing? You guys are best friends. Max: You know what, Syd? Maybe we're not. Maybe we're just two guys who used to be best friends. :(cell phone dings) Leo (on message): You heard the ding, now move your thing. Max: Oh, you wouldn't dare. :(dance music playing) Sydney: Hey, LJ. Is your dad still mad? 'Cause mine is. Leo Jr: Oh, yeah. And it was not fun sharing a room with him. Watching him dance his pain away was very awkward. Judy: The two knuckleheads still not talking? Sydney: Nope. But I'm sure you've seen Dad and Leo fight like this before, right? Judy: Sure. They almost came to blows once over a half-finished time machine. But they aren't kids anymore. I don't think we can solve this by sticking them in a closet with last year's calendar. I guess they won't be needing this stuff. Sydney: What is it? Judy: A bunch of stuff I saved from when your dads were young. I thought they'd get a kick out of going through it. A lot of beautiful memories. I guess I'll toss it. Sydney: Grandma! Judy: What? It's heavy. Sydney: I'll put it away. I can't let you leave with our dads not talking. We have to figure something out. Hello something. Leo Jr: What is it? Sydney: A real time machine. :to 1992 Young Max: Dude! What's wrong? Leo: I'm sorry, man. I blew it. I passed the interview. Young Max: What? How could you? Leo: The woman got inside my head. Before I could stop myself. I was sounding intelligent. Young Max So, what's with the camera? Leo: We're gonna make a friendship pact. So even though I'm going to a different school, we'll always be best friends. Young Max: Great idea! Now we'll have this for the rest of our lives. Leo: That's right. Video cassettes ain't going nowhere. :back to present-day Max: I don't know, Syd. Sydney: Come on, Dad. Since the rest of your birthday got messed up, I thought celebrating at the old arcade would cheer you up. Max: Look, I appreciate your effort. I don't know that I'm comfortable here. Sydney: Why? Because you're the only one with a double-digit birthday? Look, that kid's turning 11. No, wait. That's twins turning one. Max: It's just, the last thing I want to think about is Leo. I mean, that's where Leo and I first played Crush-A-Mole. That's where Leo and I first played Bodacious Boarders. That's where Leo and I first played Alley Fighters 4. We beat up so many people in that alley. Judy: Happy birthday, birthday boy! Remember, you're not getting older, you're just looking sillier. Olive: Happy Birthday, Mr. R. Max: Thank you, Olive. Oh, pizza. Adult Leo: Okay, now you've seen the place. Let's go. Leo Jr: Come on, Dad. You promised. All you've ever done is talk about the old arcade. Adult Leo: What are you doing here? Max: I'm celebrating my birthday. What are you doing here? Adult Leo: LJ said he wanted to see the place. Wait a second. Sydney: They're on to us, LJ! Cue the video. Leo Jr: On it! :the video Young Max: You ready! Leo: Ready. Max: Hey, that's us. Leo: I, Leonard Lawrence Webb... Young Max: And I, Maxwell Keith Reynolds, due solemnly swear... Leo: That we will be best friends even when I go to private school. Young Max: What about high school? Leo: Best friends. What about when we go to college? Young Max: Best friends. What if there's a zombie apocalypse and one of us becomes a zombie? Leo: I promise I'll bite you and we'll be zombies together. Young Max: Cool. What if we get married and have wives? Leo: Stop making things up. The point is, you'll always be my best friend. Young Max: And you'll be mine. No matter where we live, we'll phone, we'll write... Leo: We'll page, we'll fax... Young Max: Promise, dude? Leo: Promise. :(both spit) Young Max/Leo: Eww! Max: I forgot we made that. Adult Leo: Me too. We were just kids. Max: Yeah, but maybe we were wiser then than we are now. I'm sorry, man. Adult Leo: No, I am. Max: Maybe we both forgot what's most important, us. Adult Leo: From now on, we won't. Max: Promise? Adult Leo: Promise. Max: Let's skip the split and go right for the hug. Adult Leo: Yeah, good idea. Max: Okay. Leo Jr: Dad, I didn't know you went to private school. Adult Leo: I didn't. The place burned down during winter break. Max: Yeah. What? I didn't do it. Sydney: So, Uncle Leo, you think you can stay for my dad's birthday? Adult Leo: Only if I can clobber him in a few arcade games. Max: Hey, they've still got Fighters Of Fury. Adult: Leo, you're on. I'm first. Max: Arm wrestle you for it. Adult Leo: Better yet, dance off. Max: Best birthday ever. Sydney: Thanks, Dad. Olive: Wow, Syd. This was amazing. How are you gonna top it next year? Sydney: I can't. All I know is whatever I want for my next birthday, I'm getting it. Sydney: You ready? Olive: Ready. Sydney: I, Sydney Wallace Reynolds... Olive: And I, Olive Anne Rozalski... do solemnly swear... Sydney: That no matter where we are... Olive: We will always be best friends. Sydney: Even when I'm a famous rock star. Olive: Or when I'm a celebrity llama wrangler-- Sydney: Or a famous rock star. Olive: We will still be best friends. Sydney: Promise? Olive: Promise. Sydney: How are we gonna seal the deal? Olive: I'm not spitting and shaking. Sydney: High five? Olive: Not special enough. Sydney: Maybe we should have written this out. Olive: I'll go get my glitter pens. Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts